F :)

Well,i got to know this girl. Through a few friends of mine during the 2010 Flyniversary party at KL Live Center. The moment i saw her and shook hands with her,i just felt a lil different at that particular time. I was being so coy and also a lil proud at that time. That's just me being me around people i don't know. We started off the party with a few drinks etc. And when everyone was busy partying,dancing and enjoying themselves throughout the night,i wasn't really experiencing the same joy that other people are having. I somehow just don't quiet enjoy the club life anymore so to say. And there i saw her. I saw F was just sitting while my friends were dancing not far from her. She was just sitting there alone. I wanted to approach her,but i just don't know what to say to her. Even my friend came to me and asked me to dance with her. But i just ignored and pretend that i didn't hear a thing.



We all ended up at her place right after the party. There,i was still not much of a talker,but somehow i did tried to have a conversation with her but,she doesn't seem to communicate back to me much. At that point i was already feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. But then a while later,we started playing a card game which we call "Bluff" . We all started laughing throughout the game. But then suddenly,there was a knock on her door. A guy came in,shook hands,giving us a not so welcome look. I started thinking,who's this fella ? And then F just seem to changed her face expressions. She stopped playing cards,and just got away with the guy to the room. At that time,it was like, urghh! we were having so much fun and out of a sudden,it just spoiled everyone's mood.



And then,i asked her house mate who will only be known as H,who was the guy ? And H told me that,that guy who came was F's so called Boyfriend,they're currently having a "short break" at that time due to some reasons.. So i was noted. Well,although i do like her a little at that time,but then after knowing that F is currently attached to someone else. So i was noted.


Now the second time i met her was at a Bar at Jalan Changkat called Envie. Again along with my friends dealed to meet them there. At that time,the moment i went in to the Bar and saw F,i knew that she was already drunk. I was more to sober at that time so to say. So i didn't dance much or even enjoyed myself much. But there was this one time that i was just busy listening to the music,i felt someone came holding my shoulders from the back,i just turned my head back and saw that it was actually H. And then not very long after that,i felt another hand reaching to me. As i turned my head back for the second time,i saw that it was F that was actually dancing behind me.


At that moment,i didn't exactly knew what to do. Yes i admit that it was foolish of me not dancing with her at that time. But somehow i just felt blank.
I just pretended that i wasn't aware of anything and was just thinking that well,she's drunk.


As time passes,i started coming to her house by myself and had overnights too. We started talking to each other,sharing jokes, personal matters,laughing and giggling till the sun comes out ;P
I was really happy at that time though. Of us becoming much closer than before. We ate together,play cards together,watch late night shows together,becoming childish together,almost everything,we did it together. I never felt so happy for quiet a long time before when i was with her..


At one night,i just felt that i wanna get closer to her. I tried that by sitting near to her. But i felt that she wasn't comfortable of my actions... I really felt embarrassed of myself...


When i came home.i caught her online in Facebook. We started chatting a bit and then i finally asked her,was she uncomfortable of me trying to be close to her ? And then she replied, Yes .


I respect her honesty though. Then she started explaining to me why was she uncomfortable. She did admit that she liked me the same way that i do,but she told me not to love her or she'll hurt me in return ..I didn't exactly understand what she meant by saying that though. And also,the other reason is because that at the moment,she's still attached with her boyfriend. Although she did admited to me that she doesn't want to be with him anymore.



But as days passes by,we were actually being much closer instead. And i've got to admit that what i felt for her increases. I finally begin to learn how to love and be loved again after all this while. I often spend time with her. Slowly becoming a part of her life.. Things were becoming great for both me and F :) Everything was just PERFECT.



There was one time i asked her about what she wants me and her to be like? she quoted me that if she's given a choice,she'll choose to be with me.I was touched and felt nothing else but happiness when she quoted that to me.. And i thought,that i would have a chance of being with her. All i can do now is just to wait for her to make the move. I was giving her time and space for her to settle things out with her boyfriend.. To explain to him of what she actually wanted. And so i waited with hope...



Whenever i'm with her and also H,i felt home. cared. appreciated. comfortable. loved. and most importantly,i felt Happy.But as the happy times i had with her,came along something that made me confused and also hurt at the same time. Her boyfriend kept trying to get back with her.


They were always arguing with each other and honestly,i wasn't feeling even a pinch of comfortability since then. I just felt that the happy days we had together turned into a different side. Well,that was how i felt personally..



Since then,we were never like before. Things started to change. Maybe it's just me,but somehow i do had this feeling that F was slowly becoming different too. We were still close,but i just can't seem to feel the happiness i had previously.. I started feeling that me and her are slowly becoming far apart.. And it didn't make me happy,at all.


I tried to accept the fact that she doesn't belong to me and tried not to be close to her or even contact her much though. Just to at least try to forget the feelings i have for her. But as i tried harder,all it does is make me miss her even more. A day without me being with her is already like such a long time for me. I tried to play with my egos,but somehow it wasn't strong enough.

Each and every time my phone beeps or rings,i was always hoping that it was F. I wouldn't want to contact her much by making the move first cause i'm just afraid that she's with her boyfriend and also maybe its because that i don't want to show her that i'm missing her and still loving her. But the fact is,i still do. Sometimes it hurts me too when i tried to explain to her how and what i feel,how much i missed her and how much i care for her.. But she wasn't really serious about what i'm saying most of the time... I just can't figure out why... And i was really disappointed and also felt hurt at the same time..


She called me one night,we started of chatting obviously,and then in a middle of our conversation through the phone,i asked her,what she felt,what she wants,what's happening, and what's her decision. I just need to know.



She then told me that she only wants to be my friend. Although if one day she's officially broken up with her current boyfriend. Now,this triggers me for a while.. I thought that all this while she was waiting for the rite time to completely untangle the knot between her and her boyfriend and that she wants to live her life with me. But then i got to know that she changed her mind. For reasons that i couldn't understand why.. And then i realized that all these while i was hoping,for nothing. Like it or not,i'v just got to respect her decisions although its hard for me.

I just got the feeling to give a shot for a new relationship,i learned to love a person again,i was ready to commit for a new life with a person who i want to live with. It wasn't easy for me to love again after i came out from a broken relationship for a long time until i met F. But once again,i was disappointed by the fact that my fate is still the same as per usual...


I just felt empty.lonely and down. Way harder of how i was before i even met her. That's the problem with me,I don't easily love a person but when i do,I'll eventually love the person a little too much. Each minute of my days i tried to remind myself NOT to think of her. But everywhere i go and in whatever i do,i still think of her...


I just can't seem to forget a single thing about her. Pfffttt!!!


All i ever wanted is to see her happy,to make her happy. Not wanting her to be sad or even hurt her. I did my best,i tried my best,i was myself when around her,theres not a thing i can recall that i'v cheated her ever before. I was honest in every way,in every thing.


And now that i know her decisions, i just have to find a way to deal with it and accept it.
I might not want to keep in touch with her much cause i just cant go through this again. Although i admit that each day i was looking forward for her call or messages. But each time when she does,it always triggers my mind why and what exactly does she want?! I'm afraid of giving hope and love again and not get the same in return. But i'll never,ever forget about her. I still care for her and what i felt for her still remains although it might never be an achievement for me to have her. She has already been a part of my life even for a short period of time since we knew each other,how could i possibly intend to forget her? She gave me all the happiness that i ever dreamed of,all the attentions i'd ever wanted.. I'll never forget that..


I'll miss her calling me "Ed" . I'll miss her annoying me by calling me "Shah". Ending a sentence to me by saying "Doh" . Poking and pinching me too ;P. I'll miss her brushing my hair . I'll just miss everything about her.


And whenever it rains,it'll always make me think of F . she loves the rain :)


I might not have the chance to be with her,we might not be destined to be together,i might not be the one who will make her happy in the future,but all i know is,


I just want the best for her. To see her happy. Till as long as it can be...


I'll always remember the girl with puffy "sepet" eyes named F ;)

November Rain - Guns N' Roses

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain


Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Currently Listening to November Rain by Guns N' Roses